An explanation of Catholic terminology for your Sunday reading.
AMEN – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN – A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN – The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE – Holy Smoke!
JESUITS – An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH – The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE – When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI – The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER – Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW – A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION – The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL – The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS – People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
USHERS – The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
Tip o' the hat to Gun Free Zone.